All through our lives we have all experienced something that we will never forget. There are things that no matter how deep in our minds we place them they somehow come back to the surface. It’s like oil and water, they just float to the top. From time to time there are several memories that like to float to the surface for me.
One such memory was from long ago when I was about 18 years old. I can never forget it, I see it clear as a bright sunny day. I was sitting in a small chapel in St. Helena. The chapel was so small and quaint, the bibles were torn and tatty and fading with time. I was pregnant and near the end of my term. I was speaking to the priest and his wife about different things. I used to confide in them often but never told them everything. They were so genuinely concerned for me. They made a suggestion to me to marry the baby’s father. My heart sank and I wanted to scream. I cried silently in my mind while they carried on talking. I could never tell them the pure evil that was contained in that man. I couldn’t tell them, how I could never marry a man who was having an incestuous relationship with his sister. He would only do the same to my baby and repeat his perversion and carry it on. I wanted so much to tell them everything, but my throat tightened up and nothing came out. I just smiled at them and listened intently to what they had to say.
Back then, most women on the island were suppressed and we simply didn’t speak up for ourselves. Most of us just did what we were told. I had already made up my mind that I would never marry a man like that no matter what. The priest and his wife were so right in a way, they were right in concept, but if only they knew what I had been through they would not have asked me to do such a thing as to marry a pervert.
My labour was so long and intensive. I went into labour and thought that I was going to die. I even asked the doctor to shoot me and to put me out of my misery. I had to have a blood transfusion and the kind doctor George Checksfield tended to me was amazing. He was ever so gentle and kind. I can still remember the look of pity and sadness on his face when he looked at me. Little did we both realize that three years later I would become his daughter- in- law and my daughter would be calling him granddad.
I ended up staying in the hospital for what seemed like an eternity. It was long and daunting but I had to wait until my little girl weighed six pounds. When I looked down at my beautiful daughter, I was scared. I was scared about the future she would have and where she could be. I prayed to god that no matter what she should never endure and suffer the trauma that I suffered.
Finally, after what felt like weeks, the nurse came in and told me that I could go home. I felt dread. I did not want to bring a child into the world knowing that I was living in a dreadful unbearable foster home. I carried my beautiful, innocent , tiny baby downstairs and out of the general hospital in Jamestown. As I was leaving I looked up and said to god please help us.
I arrived at my foster mother’s house. My foster mother had taken good care of the baby but it was always on her terms. Most women want to care for a new born baby. I loved my baby so much but it was just difficult and awkward with her at times, especially knowing that her father was still around me.
I had started to really dislike my daughters father. All I could see was a dirty little pervert and I really could not stand him. I tried my best to keep away from him but he followed me everywhere that I went. Today, in this world, they would have called him a controlling stalker and he would have been dealt with accordingly.
I was stalked one night while I was with Colin. I had invited Colin up to ladder Hill where I think I might have fallen head over heels in love with him. He was so kind and considerate. He was a lovely man and I did like him ever so much. While we were sitting there talking Colin and I heard someone kicking the door. It was the nasty pervert. He’s was making so much noise someone had reported this to the dentist.
Because of this the dentist and his wife had a word with me. I explained to them that it wasn’t my fault they in turn saw John Newman who stopped the pervert from stalking me. The police would not have taken any notice of me had I reported the pervert myself. But thank God they managed to stop it.
Eventually, the pervert started seeing a much older woman who was a nurse and left me alone. I continue to see the late Collin Thomas but he told me that he had other commitments and didn’t want to take the relationship any further. I was gutted but admired his honesty. However, oddly enough Colin did get annoyed with me when I started going out with Bob.
All the while my foster mother would help me raise my daughter. She was acceptable but this was long before her husband began pulling my hair and biting my face. He continued his abuse and did this after my pregnancy as well as during it. I now know how violence can affect even a young child who is unborn. He sexually abused me while my young baby gave watch. He had no trepidations that a young child was present in fact, my daughter was screaming so loud. Her little eyes watching in horror as her mother was suffering the anguish of rape.
I know you should never harbour ill feelings towards anyone, and genuinely I don’t but I’m glad that he dropped dead the way that he did. It was so quick, it was as if God had said enough is enough you now must go.
To this day my daughter is very clingy, anxious and suffered from manic depression symptoms. I sit back and reflect to myself and think that all of this is my fault. I do love her so.