For me, it isn’t difficult to sum up child abuse. It really isn’t that difficult to describe. In fact, it was all I knew. At home my grandfather abused me both physically and emotionally. I escaped his abuse by playing in the nearby woods. This escape however, did not last very long. The young men in town would start raping the girls from from 10 years old to 15 years old. They would do it every chance they had. I was cornered and whether at home or alone in the woods, there was no place for me to run.
Even school wasn’t much safer. Even though the sexual abuse was shrouded while at school the physical abuse continued. The head teachers would cane me most days. I truly believe that they enjoyed it. For them it was probably a sadistic ritual watching a little girl writhe and scream with pain. Most of my school life and childhood was horrendous.
I do try to move on but it haunts me constantly. The bad dreams and nightmares come but they never go. My dreams are so extreme. I am always being grabbed or running as part of the chase. I know that the grabbing comes from the trauma of one of the rapist knocking me down and me hiding in the undergrowth. Then he would grab me and pull me on to the footpath and have his way with me. It was beyond frightening, sex abuse and rape is the worst abuse that anyone could have suffered. nAnd when the young men stopped my evil foster father would start and vice versa.
I have a perception of life that is hardly something a delicate soul could endure. I spent years yearning for my mother to return to me and keep me safe. There was an old school of thought, spare the rod and spoil the child. A good hiding good lashing was very familiar to me. I used to hear the grown-ups say when I was a child, that they would say that a good beating would help the children.
I know of two children who were never beaten by the parents and they did not turn out any worse then those who were beaten on a regular basis. My family believed in beating. My grandfather on the other hand truly believed in beating both women and children. My grandfather would beat his children regularly. His youngest daughter escaped being beaten. In fact he simply adored her. He would never lay a finger on her. However, she didn’t escape having to watch her mother, my grandmother being beaten.
My grandmother would always sit under a nearby tree and after my grandfather had beaten her we would always try to comfort her so this was normal.
My grandparents youngest daughter was eight when I was born. I don’t really remember very much about her. But what I do know is that my grandfather totally adored her. In was in direct contrast to how much he hated me. He loved her as equally and opposite of how much he hated me. My grandfather would praise everything that she did. He would constantly compliment her and say how wonderful her cooking and baking was. All the while he refused to allow me in the kitchen. In fact, if I was ever caught touching any of his food he would throw it away and would never eat it.
He would say that he would rather starve than eat any food I had touched. I was just eight years old when my auntie left. She was 16 years old and left St. Helena. Most of the young girls back then would leave to go to England and perform domestic work. Just two years later at age 18 years old she had come back for a holiday. I was so excited to see her and she had lots of lovely clothes.
My grandfather told her not to talk to me. I watched as she kissed, cuddle and played with my cousins. In fact my grandfather gave her a letter from my social worker Mr. Sonny Ward asking him to put me into the children’s home.
I recently spent some time with my auntie. She is a wonderfully spirit woman but I look at what a contrast to me. At times I think I might be slow and lacking confidence but she is bright, witty and full of confidence. She’s a very good cook, plays music, speaks different languages and stands up at her church and gives a good speech.
What a contrast to me as I’m not a good cook, I don’t play music and I have not as much confidence. I am improving however and every day is a new day brighter then the day before.
I like to think that just like my grandmother I am a kind understanding and generous soul.