Writing helps me unload. It helps to take the pain away, I can not function with a mind filled with trauma. Almost nineteen years of abuse is very heavy to carry around.
I feel so much better when I write, it feels as though I unload the abuse and trauma into writing.
I do grieve for the childhood that was cruely taken from me .
Today I didn’t feel too good. It was Saturday 23rd of January.
I felt better on Sunday 24th January and went to church. Oakley decided that he was too ill to go so Mackenzie and I went on are own. It is always good to go to church. I like meeting with people who pray together. It makes a lot of sense. It makes me sad when I see small children at church and it reminds me so much of me when I was small. It is a terrible feeling. My psychologist told me to tap my knee to remind myself not to be so sad.
I did what she told me to do and it worked .
Mondays the house is always a mess from being trashed by the boys over the weekend. I like to chill on Mondays and before I know what I am doing the boys are home from school . They both try to talk at the same time. I always tell them so many times nanny can’t hear a word that you are saying when they both talk at the same time.
They never heed to what I say. On tuesday I had lunch with Hayley, Mark and baby Albert. It is good to eat out and put the world to right. I did some shopping before lunch and I love to go to the Salvation Army charity shop on commercial road. That is my highlight of the week for me and I aways find something interesting .
I decided that I really must do some cleaning on Wednesday. I don’t like housework at all it is a waste of time, I would rather do something that I enjoy doing. I like gardening, long walks, antique shops, charity shops, art galleries and garden centers. But please no housework such a boring dreary thing to do, I can’t believe people get pleasure from doing house work it is like self harming, not that I self harm.
On Thursday the boys go swiming but they are both off school with a bug. So no swiming or boxing this week.
The school rang to say that they were closed on friday due to illness. On friday I had a session with my psychologist, it went well so to speak and it is very difficult, having to live the horrors of life all over again. I know that I will heal in time.
I told the psychologist that I am not an angry person and she said that it was alright to feel anger. I also told her how exhausted I am after each session. It feels so heavy weighing down on me. It is like a weight that I have never felt before.
The very first time that I had recieved therapy was around three years ago it was very emotional for me having to live 19 years of abuse all over again. I really was a heap on the floor and I had never cried so much in all of my life.
I seem to be coping a lot better this time however the tiredness remains the same.
I remember going to the toilet at three o’clock and waking up at six olock that evening. I was asleep on the toilet for almost three hours, that is how exhausting it is talking to a psychologist.
It has been a nice day today, no rain at all, I didn’t do much and the boys are playing with their games I am trying to sort the shed out. We keep so much rubbish and I wish that I didn’t.
I must not repeat this awful habit when I move house.
All in all a fairly good week for the Checksfield’s. I will leave now and now I am on my way to the fish and chip shop and have a quiet evening at home watching telly and drinking wine .
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