I am probably in denial when I say that I don’t suffer from depression. Perhaps it is because I have never actually been diagnosed with it. I have never taken Prozac or any other antidepressants. Generally I have my good days but I do have my dark hours, especially early in the morning when the family are asleep. I sit and think about the darkest moments in my life.
I replay in my mind over and over again the events when I was younger. One of the memories that haunts me the most is the memory of my Grandfather. I think about him and the way he was always telling me how much he hated me. I replay it over and over again in my mind how he would play praise and love to my cousins, while at the same time beating me. He used to constantly tell me how he hated every bone in my small body. I so wanted to be loved and I became immune to his spiteful behaviour.
I would take my self off and play on my own. I would sit and imagine that my mum would come and take me away from this sad dismal house. I always had my suitcase packed and ready in case she came, she never did.
For me, growing up in one of the most isolated islands in the world was magical and sometimes wonderful. I remember climbing trees and watching beautiful birds and insects. I remember picking black berries and collecting firewood and doing all the things that children do.
I would forget about my grandfathers hatefullness and down right spitefulness and being caned at school. Most days life was bearable but the majority of the time my life was unbareable from when I was 11 years old. Those evil young men would turn my world upside down. They would actually lay in wait and as we walked by they would grab young girls and drag us through the flex bushes screaming and shouting at them to let us go. Of course they would ignore us and just carry on dragging us into the bushes.
They would do the worst things ever to us as if it was like a bad punishment just for being a young girl.
I am now having therapy and I know that what happened wont go away as its in my head and in my dreams.
The therapy will help me to deal with it.