Not a good start to the week, I am absolutely mentally and physically drained. I hate having bad dreams, especially when someone is chasing me and there is nowhere to run to. I woke up exhausted this morning as I dreamt that I had been screaming for someone to help me. Maybe I shouldn’t really watch sad films as it always triggers memories of my own childhood. I am told to move on, I get called a drama queen, and attention seeker. How can I move on when it’s in my head .? I am trying to step out of this dark hole that I find myself in. I am not at all bitter but I am angry because none of the abuse that I suffered should have happened. my mother’s father totally destroyed my childhood, he was so violent it was terrifying, watching him smashing up furniture, including my bed. My grandfather was blind, and I always thought that if he could see me maybe he would like me, as most people commented that I was a good looking child. He didn’t like me talking, so mama and I would whisper, mama would plead to the point of begging me to be a good girl and not to make popa angry. I was a very lively child, and this would infuriate him even more. I loved visiting my grandmother’s friends. I enjoyed playing with their children. There was so much fun and laughter at their house I dreaded going home, our house was such a grim place, made worse by my grandfather’s violence. I was accustomed to abuse, Popa was hurting me at home, my teacher was caning me at school. I can’t get my head around the teachers beating me. They knew full well that I didn’t have any parents. One of the teachers played the organ and sang in the choir in our local church. I couldn’t tell the school that I was abused at home, and I couldn’t tell my grandparents that I was abused at school. I clearly remember the day a pretty young teacher walked up to me and slapped me around the face for laughing at her, she really did beat me. I didn’t tell my grandmother as it would have been pointless. I didn’t see her anymore after the beating. I left Longwood jr school and started at Harford. The physical and mental abuse continued even though I was older, it was still difficult to cope with. I went back to St Helena 18 years ago. I was at a party and recognized the teacher. I heard her ask someone who I was, she went bright red when she found out who I was, because just like me, she remembered what she did to me all those years ago in the playgrounds of Longwood jr school. I had a social worker, but in my day children were not heard, my muma and I would sit and cry the whole time the social worker was at our house. The social worker should never have left me with my violent grandfather, he could have taken me to the newly built children’s home. Worse of all those two vile evil young men would knock me over, and drag me into the woods, I had never heard the word rape, I first heard it when I was an adult. I reported William Clingham and Alexander Peters to the StHelean police they were arrested but released because they were historic crimes lack of evidence played a part also. It would seem that it was ok to arrest and imprison Erice Benjamin for the same crimes while the other two get to sit on the naughty step. Lots of words were alien to me, self-harming was one of them, as a small child, I remember wetting my bed, it would feel so lovely and warm at first but it got so cold and uncomfortable as the night wore on, believe me, sleeping in a cold urine-soaked bed is nothing compared to the abuse that I endured. I am not at all surprised at the extent of the severity of my health issues, the psychiatrist said it could be a direct result of severe child abuse. I am mourning my lost childhood. The small crushed abused child keeps reappearing. I feel that I am duty bound to comfort her. I would dearly love 2019 to be my year. I want to be able to create a good life for myself. I am now in a relationship with Anthony, he is a kind, caring understanding and intelligent man. It came as a shock when my husband walked out after thirty -seven years of marriage, I am over him now, but I find it difficult to come to terms with his disrespectfulness and unkindness. I want to move forward, lift the dark clouds and light up my path. To have some sort of acceptance and inner peace. My grandfather destroyed my childhood,
Abuse was all I knew, When he destroyed my childhood, He destroyed my children’s too. by Dorothy maude.
Jan 16
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Dorothy Maude My Life
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My name is Dorothy and I want to share with the world my trial and tribulations from St. Helena to where I now reside in England.My Photos
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